My daughter and I went away for a few days. I promised this to her after my mom died when she lamented never going near her Nana’s home again, losing her ties to that state.
It was total chaos, my job still in so much transition, but I had made this commitment to her and I knew I needed a break and logistically there was nothing I’d be missing if I were gone from work for a couple days.
We took a short flight to the airport and Lyfted to a beach town. We usually stay with our friends in their guesthouse (where I stayed when going up to be with my mom as she was dying), but they had family in visiting.
Instead, we stayed with my college boyfriend—the second and longest lasting of two—I had no boyfriends prior to college. I had forgotten that we were such good friends in addition to whatever else. How we could make each other laugh, and really listen to one another. (BTW—none of this is on the DL with regards to my family, if that should matter—for the purpose of what I write here it does not.)
It was a lovely visit, perfect weather, time and space to wander around with my girl.
What I noticed is how much ease there was with my college boyfriend. Perhaps attributable to our age. But notably—I used to be so, so, so jealous. Of EVERYTHING. And I think I was still this way long past when this should have ended (not just with him, but with everyone, everything.) I was always looking for The Threatening Thing.
A huge shift in learning about how I was created—and probably, more significantly, engaging with my mom in a way I hadn’t—led to this indescribable freedom.
I feel little desire to possess, and take so much joy in connection.
I’m not sure what it means or if it’s connected to any of the DNA stuff but I will take it.
"I was always looking for The Threatening Thing." I really get that feeling. It seems common in the DC community, along with the haunting "Things Are Not What They Seem". The vigilance is exhausting, but from my experience, you notice most after you lay it down. As a parent, watching my kids NOT have to carry it (because we tell the truth) is a really healing.