Suggestions?

I emailed the donor yesterday, chit chat. Told him that I’d be visiting a friend nearby and that bro dude and I planned to meet up one evening. And then I asked donor if he and his wife would want to get together for a coffee or lunch.

First I had some sentence about “I’m not sure if you’re comfortable” blah blah blah type of stuff. Giving him an out? Letting him know that I am aware that this could be a Big Deal? Demonstrating how aware, caring, thoughtful, and respectful I am? I’ve been doing that schtick for 2.5 years now. I think he gets it.

In the end I said that I’d love to meet them. That it would mean a lot to me to shake his hand. I was vascillating on the previous sentence—it feels pretty daring. I’m scared that it is dangerously close to “I think about you so often and I want to touch you and I can’t stand that idea that I’ll never meet you, that I’ll never see your [my] face.”

Which, of course, is the truth. But I can’t let him know that. I am breezy and it’s all good!

Anyway. I now cannot open my email because I’m scared that he replied saying that he and his wife agreed long ago that…Or whatever. Or that he won’t reply, and then after I am back from the visit he’ll say that they got busy and not replying meant nothing. Or that he’ll reply and say that they’d love to see me but they’re out of town then/they have too much going on. I’d never know if that last one would be true. The worst kind of never-knowing/always-hoping.

So—any tips on handling this uncertainty? I can’t avoid my email forever. In fact there’s something time-sensitive I have to reply to. I can always see an email and not open it. I have very little restraint, but with this I do, if it lets me stay hopeful.

Friend who I’m visiting said this is a good lesson in not being attached to the outcome. I’m focusing on that. Mostly because of course I cannot control the outcome. I need to do this, finally, however it turns out.

It’s nicer thinking I might meet him than knowing that I won’t— and I have put myself in a position to find out the latter.

Anyway, happy birthday Tom Petty. You’d have been 74 tomorrow. I really wish you’d have stuck around.