So...

what now??

This Substack started as a search for my biological father and unraveling how this all happened.

A lot of this—most of this—has been resolved/understood.

The things that come up now are different. Like why did my mom actually pursue this, really? Having been infertile myself, I know how hard it is. But she was young, and my dad had viable sperm.

I have thoughts and feelings about this and that is mostly the unresolved part now—and it won’t be resolved because, as I mentioned, my mom is still dead.

The intensity of my desire to connect with bio dad/bro is much lower. It seems to be true that I mostly wanted to meet them, to make sure I met them before it was too late.

I hope and believe that we will stay connected. The urgency about this is gone, since it did in fact happen. I got exactly what I wanted. What I really felt I needed. And more than that will be great—but I am relieved that I didn’t (as I feared) want more and more and more.

Donor dude was just very real to me—like an actual person who did a thing in his early 20s. He seemed as interested in and curious about the whole thing as me. I felt more like an equal than I ever would have imagined. I thought I’d have Dad Feelings.

I really like him, and bro dude, and the mom and nieces and nephews. I’m so glad I got to meet them and that they are seemingly Very Good People. And also just very real and normal, like I could have met them anyway, all this DNA stuff aside.

So—where does this leave me now? The exploring is done.

And all of this was at times or mostly eclipsed by my mom’s diagnosis, remission, startlingly acute relapse.

What I mostly think about is her, or her-as-my-mother. The donor situation factors into that—not him per se, but her decision.

I don’t know if I’ll keep writing here much. I am going to stop encouraging paid monthly subscriptions because I don’t feel I’m giving enough now.

I will still be here, though.

And for those of you who know me IRL or who have been here a while and I am sure aren’t connected to my mom or the donor—if you want to see a photo of donor and me, I can share. Just don’t want to do it in a post. But message me and I’ll send. I say this only because I’m projecting and I would want to see. I’m like that.

Thanks so much for following along! As I said, I’ll still be here, and I cannot overstate how much appreciate the support and encouragement you’ve given me. Josh, Dawn, Mar, Tripp, Kate, Katie, Aimee, Laura, Erika, Lanes, Melissa, Missy, Alison, Harriet, Chris, Rachel, Isabelle, Alicia, Alison, Peter, Lisa, Dina, Diane, Annie…I know there are people I’m forgetting. But I love you all so much and you’ve made these last 2 (almost 3?) years so much less lonely. You’ve kept me from feeling crazy.