Am doing a thing.
I bought a ticket to the airport closest to donor-and-bro’s town. I have a beloved friend an hour from there. “There” is halfway between the airport and friend’s house. I’ll pass through D and B town on the way to friend’s house.
It’s been over two and a half years since I’ve been in touch with donor, and over two years since bro dude and I have been in touch.
At first I was eager, needy, but very focused on appearing to be neither. A sort of detached communication was established. Then I kept my eye on the long game. I wanted to meet both, donor most of all, but it was clear that bro was one I’d be most likely to meet.
I’m not sure if it’s because I don’t look like bro dude or what, but I’m less focused. Or maybe it’s that we communicate semi regularly. As you know by now, donor replies intermittently, never initiates.
Southwest Airlines is the best thing ever for indecisive folks like me. No commitment! I can cancel the hour before! But for now, I have a ticket. I’ll rent a car. I’ll drive through their town without them knowing it.
I emailed bro dude and told him I was visiting a friend in a town he knows well—as I mentioned, quite close to him—and that I’d love to meet him and his wife for a beer, or whatever. Whatevs. He replied quickly that he was “all in”, and that he was super busy that month (next month) but free most Saturday nights.
Current plan—we get together the Saturday night I’m there (trip is Weds-Mon.)
The friend I’m staying with is super supportive, interested in relationships, pushes me a bit, and in general I feel safe with them. And it’ll be a good getaway regardless.
Friend asked if I was in touch with donor dad…I explained the intermittent communication and my canniness in approaching both him and bro.
I’m aware that in some ways bro dude is a mean to a fantasized end. Donor likes that bro and I are in touch, and comments on our similarities. Bro is a way in. But I don’t like thinking of it that way, feeling that way, being that way.
Friend suggests that it might be a good reminder to let go of attachments to outcomes, and perhaps to let donor know that I’d like to meet him.
So, that is next. It has dragged on too long. If my suspicion is correct, that he and his wife have an agreement that they/he won’t meet me, I need to deal with/ultimately accept that. One concern is that he’ll reply equivocally, like "[he or she] has [covid/whatever]”, or “we’d love to see you but have plans.” Which would prolong my hope and cause me to hone my strategy.
I think he’ll be clear. I’m pretty sure I know what kind of clear he’ll be, and two-plus years later, combined with a therapist who keeps me honest, I accept that he has the right to live how he wishes.
Also, I know that I hold out hope and a clear answer will be hard.
I do trust that I’m past being wanting more and more. I trust myself that mostly I want to see him at least once, to see his face. I don’t fantasize about him being my dad. Mostly it’s curiosity—and the fact that it’s possible to see him now and that won’t always be the case. (See: Things I Wish I’d Asked My Mom.)
In the next few days I’ll email him. My trip is next month.
It’s time to just ask. I know that I can handle it no matter how thing turn out. And—I really think I’ll meet bro dude, which delights me.
💕💕💕💃🏽
❤️