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how to wait
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The source of my current mounting anxiety is embarrassing, as are so many other parts of this. I think this theme is clear now. It’s helpful for me to tell you about these feelings. Admitting them here is a way to acknowledge them firmly and clearly, to get ahead of things so I am not ambushed by myself.
My (very kind and seemingly stable and salt of the earth) donor and I have been emailing in a way that is both casual and measured. Or I should say that I am being casual and measured. I have no idea what or if he thinks before emailing me.
So far, so good. He didn’t reject me, his wife knew about me. Our situation is different than any others I’ve heard of and I don’t know how things will unfold.
But I feel needy, I feel a longing to be accepted RIGHT NOW and invited to join his family in some way. I don’t know what that would look like or what I would do if we got to that place.
I also often completely ignore the reality that he and his wife have their own relationship to this “situation.”
It feels desperate (“It”? or me?) —creepily, it feels a little like dating. He has the power right now, and I am trying to be appealing and non-threatening. I want him to like me so my current presentation is Harmless Yet Most Endearing.
After hitting send I reread my most recent email to him and found an error. I wrote “I” instead of “me” as the object of a preposition, something that I pride myself on always getting right. I rushed when writing and didn’t proofread. It wouldn’t bother me to say “me and her” as a subject—it’s folksy! But saying something like “in support of you and I talking” makes me sound like a pretentious dummy.
Right now it’s been over two weeks since my last email to him. I sent it four days after his to me which was six days after mine to him….At least try to keep it close. I coax myself to hold off longer than I want to before replying to him, sitting on my hands, sometimes literally, forcing myself to wait another day. Don’t call him back right away; make him wait. It is really gross to articulate this parallel.
I don’t want to scare him. But I have always written three times as many words as a person should or as others would. I have always talked faster and longer and more than most. I try now, with him, to check myself.
He has said that he and his wife appreciate my “consideration” and “grace.” I like those words used to describe me. They are indeed part of who I truly am but I am also eager, anxious, waiting.
Right now I will remain considerate and graceful. Enough, but not too much.