No picture this time

wearisome

Not sure if wearisome is a word.

I said I was tired of thinking about all of this.

But now I am worn down. My mom and I are chatting more regularly/normally, but I get the sense (and I’m a person who senses stuff) that I am now supposed to apologize for putting her through the discomfort/pain/whatever she’s felt over the last year + since I got mad at her for the first time in my life.

It was hard for her that I got mad at her (and so hard for me to get mad at her that it took me decades of being an adult to do so—and I only got mad when it came over me and I couldn’t contain it. The damage of holding in anger through my entire life is probably significant.)

I told her I know it’s been hard for her. Maybe I’m imagining it—maybe it’s my sensitivity—but it seems there’s a bit of a power play, and now that we’re back to a new normal (chatting), I’m not thought of very warmly by her. Maybe it’s not possible to feel so hurt by/rejected by me and then reconnect in any substantive way. Maybe I don’t want substantive either.

Still, I feel rejected.

And it’s been over two months since I’ve heard from the donor.

And half-bro isn’t even responding to what has always worked—a photo about my life, or about something I know he likes.

I know there is a shift away from me. Last summer he heard about me. He and his daughter were floored and then delighted. And now it’s back to normal.

I don’t feel back to normal. Maybe I’d meet them and just want more, but at the very least I want to meet them.

Why would I want to meet someone who doesn’t want to meet me?

And I know things change.

But right now I’m...blech. And feeling sorry for myself again.

I hate feeling that someone has that kind of power over me.

Also, I saw Barbie last weekend—first movie in a theatre since COVID. Kind of loved it, like so many people. And watched Jury Duty, short series on one of those streaming things. Also liked it but took a bit to warm up to, and then I was surprisingly triggered by it—the conceit of the show is a parallel to being DC/NPE when other people know and you don’t. I already have written about—but not published—my thoughts about The Truman Show (one of the first things that came to mind when I found out my circumstances)—so will post soon.

Thanks, and love. And also I am sad about Sinead. There’s a recording of her and Roger Waters doing “Mother” that just does me in. There are videos, but I don’t know which ones are legit to link to, so just look/listen wherever.