It's been a while

the bad and the good

I need to shift my desires.

My desires have been:

For my mom to know (or, more relevantly, admit) that it was super fucked up not to tell me I was donor conceived. And for her to know that it’s even more fucked up to make it all about her right now.

And for my donor to want to get to know me and have a relationship with the actual person-me—to not simply be appreciative of my kindness, or sweetness, or whatever I present to him.

My therapist and I talk about me wanting to manipulate. I just don’t know how to get through this without being mostly performative with the donor and his son. I mean the things that I say, and/but I am also aware of how they land.

I had a great visit with my dad recently. He said some really solid and amazing and generous things—that I could tell whoever I wanted whatever I wanted about my conception, and that it was wrong of him and my mom not to tell me. That I was a “victim” (quotation marks mine, but his words.) As a fertility-challenged person, I am deeply aware of how vulnerable he was, is. And to be not only okay with me being open about everything, but to be sympathetic to me—it’s, well, a lot of things right now.

Idealizing him, my dad, isn’t of concern to me—it’s never been that complicated between us. He’s never been the best or worst; there aren’t highs or lows. But I absolutely feel that, right now, he has been the best of my parents in a way that can affect the grown person and parent that I am.

What a surprise it’s been to have this be a bright moment right now.