Exoskeletons

I'm all in favor.

I could use a little pep talk/good vibes/woo woo energy, whatever.

My mom and stepdad are coming to visit tomorrow for a few nights. I am glad this is happening because I want my kids to continue their good relationship with their grandparents--this situation shouldn't affect them. She's a great nana.

But I haven't really seen her for well over a year. She was last in town in February, right after I found out, caught TOTALLY off guard—and I just couldn't see her. I went from (what was clearly shock-induced) "yay, that's cool!" after confronting her--to numbness and complete, physical disorientation, to an intense anger I'd never experienced.

Once my anger overwhelmed me, I just stopped connecting with her in any real way. We've texted/emailed a bit, but we used to be those talk on the phone all the time mom/daughter people--which, in retrospect, was probably not the best for me/my relationship with my husband. Much good has come of all this.

In any case...here we are. I have given myself permission to remove myself as needed (they are not staying with us.) But the timing sucks--I am in a low place with donor/his family. For a while there was this warm communication. Maybe I write back too much, too quickly? I can be a bit extra, as the kids say.

Half bro seems to come and go—I think it's his personality. But he isn’t on the rollercoaster I am. He promises to write more, then doesn't, and I tell him no pressure, do whatever you feel like. But there's clearly no urgent need on his part to connect. I know that no one owes me anything, and I shouldn't have expectations. But when I get emails, photos, whatever, or that "happy Thanksgiving, sis" text--my heart soars.

My donor is reserved for reasons I get--he didn't have any idea he'd ever be connected to or contacted by me--though once DNA testing came around, I'm sure he knew it was possible. Because he says he is “impressed” by the kind of person I am, I feel tempted to prove over and over how I am a good little girl. Which is all kinds of fucked up and undoes years of therapy (which I'm still in.)

So, my mom arrives tomorrow, and at present neither bro nor donor are writing to me (it's been a couple months since donor emailed me, and I've emailed twice since then.)

I think bro will come around, but it's just a tense time for me, and I hate feeling so fragile on the eve of my mom's visit. Having this semi-secret new family makes me feel armored against her. She created this crazy, fucked up situation, a retroactive rearrangement of my entire actual fucking self—and if there's a silver lining--these new relatives--they are mine, only mine, and I get to enjoy it.

But I don't have them right now, and I am feeling needy, nervous, and thin-skinned. I know the perceived shield that bro and donor offer me isn’t real, and that my issues with my mom are just that—they have always been there, and either will or won’t be addressed or managed in a way that lasts.

I understand that feeling empowered by contact with bro and donor would be only a flimsy construction paper exoskeleton. But I would totally take any form of grade school art project armor right now, a crappy thing sort of held together with that red-sticked paste that tastes of mint—or built more sturdily with Elmer’s glue, horse hooves, we all knew.

Whatever you’ve got, I’ll take it.