Rules

what not to say

Background, seemingly unrelated:

I went through a long bout of infertility before having our kids, and it was really horrible and painful and I was ashamed and terrified and desperate and lonely. I was also really fucking annoyed at so many people for so many reasons, all the time. Most of them were well meaning and often very fertile.

To my great good fortune I had a small and amazing group of “friends in the computer” in similar circumstances and we kept each other as sane as possible during this time.

One thing we learned was that there are so many awful things people say to the infertile. My friends and I entertained ourselves (dark humor was our language and salvation) by making a list of these awful things. I fantasized about people spontaneously combusting upon saying any of the following phrases. (If you have struggled with fertility these will be familiar.)

1. “If it’s meant to be, it’ll be.”

2. “Just relax!”

3. “I have a [friend, coworker, cousin] who [took a vitamin, adopted, stopped trying] and they got pregnant right away!”

4. “You can always adopt.”

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I have a million things to say about each of these, but for now I will share the corollary statements as applied to the situation in which I find myself:

1. “He’s still your dad!”

2. “Well, it turned out okay because you were born!”

3. “If this hadn’t happened, you wouldn’t have your kids!”

4. “Everything happens for a reason.”

To these four statements I say:

1. “Well, duh.” (or, “Thanks for the reassurance! What would I do without you?” or, “Yes, that makes all the rest of the chaos irrelevant.”)

2. “Um, okay?” Maybe take a logic course. I don’t know if this falls under the umbrella one of the 5? 7? 13? logical fallacies, but it should. Or there should be another fallacy, named “Um, okay?”

3. [see 2, above]

4. Yeah, no. Just no.

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So before I write much more I want to tell you that if you ever say those things to me (in person, or here) I’m gonna be really pissed off.

Thanks.