All this

and then some

We ended up meeting all at once. I had a quiet, quiet, quiet, few days of walking and eating with friend L.

In the end I went to their city, halfway between L’s and the airport. It was a big smoosh of a thing, chaotic and loud like my family of origin, my family now—easy, no particular focus.

We hugged one at a time in no particular order.

I didn’t feel terrible longing or relief when I hugged bro dude or donor…it just felt normal, surely because the whole family was around. I wasn’t an interloper.

Surprising to me—donor was curious about me, repeatedly thankful that I’d reached out, appreciative of me.

I know it’s unusual. He was only a donor to my parents, not as a regular thing.

I have been so very terrified of rejection by him, so longing for acceptance. Happy when bro dude was up for meeting with me—he always said he was, but when it comes down to it one never knows.

It feels both like a door opening and a chapter closing. I think these people, in whatever configuration, might be part of my/our life in some way. And if nothing else, I was not just welcomed but liked. And I was less of the performative self I thought I’d be.

Maybe it was the nervous system regulation of the previous three days, or the familiar feeling of walking into a group of people eating and talking and no one expecting anything of me.

Over time they asked me questions, and I had some, but not many. It was just such a relief to be able to have access to this part of me. (If donor were creepy, I wouldn’t have sought him out—so claiming this as “part of me” is curated, I know.)

I feel relieved, more expansive, ready to move on with my life. Not that I want to dismiss any of them, but wondering about a final acceptance/rejection has been so dominant. I am so happy to let it go.